I'm learning more than I have ever in years.

Yang caught me again yesterday but I came out winning. I know them now and I know how to reach them. I know now. I know how. I know why.

I don't know. I don't know whether to worship Phil and lick his feet or to punch and stab him in the face.

I already knew this. I always knew this. You did not have to tell me this. You did not have to make me go through all this. I already knew this.

I'm learning faster than I can ever express. I have till Samhain before I shut up and I can't imagine how much more I have left to express.

I've learned. I've unlearned. And I'm relearning. This is Life. This is action, counteraction, and non-action.

You need to want everything. And you need to want nothing at all. And then you want neither of this. Only then will you have ALL. Why was this so difficult? Why was this so difficult to know when I already knew this all along?

It's all in my head. The powers that can save this world. It's all in my head. How do I act? What do I do? It does not matter. I've had a taste of perfection in action. I had a glimpse. Now I know.

Now I realize. Now I realize how evil and powerful I am. How that is a goodness. A goodness for everyone on this planet.

This is only my first awakening. This is only the beginning. How much do I have left? How many more? It does not matter. I've awakened and found my shell. Now I only need the power to destroy it.

I'm talking. I'm writing because I am the voice of this planet.

I love you.

I really do. I really do, more than you can imagine. This is crazy. This is crazy because I've never met you. But I love you. Is this why? Is this connection real? Is this what Night relationships are like?

I can hate you all I want now. I'm free to hate you all I want. Because I seriously do not fear you anymore. I seriously don't.

And now I feel nothing but love for you.

Is this the reason?

Did I lol did I really do so much wrong to you in my past lives? LOL

What wrong?? The only wrong I've done in this life was to let you trample me. LOL

Oh shit... it can't be.

You know what, I don't want to know. I really don't want to know beyond this. It's really not clear to me, at least not yet. I am thinking many possibilities and maybe none of them may be right. But the dream was very real. It was real before I read all your writings.

Was he your friend? Was he mine? I mean he was really kind to me. Not that you two weren't smiling but you two were looking down at me.

See, that warmth. That warmth is the reason I am so hellbent on love. Ever since. And maybe that's why I've gone queer. Because before then, I have a history of liking girls.

It's still so very unclear to me...
But the dream was real.

I came here doubtless. But wow, now I really don't have any doubts anymore.

It is not the memories that wave me. It is the present and the future. The future of this planet.

I like crouching... can't I just stay crouching?...

I'm so different to you and to the world.
I'm different to my family.
I'm different in society.
To groups.
In America and in Korea.
I'm all scattered inside because I treat everyone differently.
I was always like that.

That's wrong...
it's hard to admit but it's wrong.
I should just BE myself all the time.

But you know I have limits too.
I reached that limit far too long ago.

I lost so much of the love. The energy.

I'm sorry. I don't know.
I'm just preparing for the worst future right now. That's all I'm thinking of every moment of life right now. That's all I'm obsessed with. I'm gonna think of the rest later. I really don't know what would happen. I don't know myself.

I dunno.

At least I lose my shit more and more infrequently. You taught me well.

But man do I not want this future.
Of all things I can't let THIS happen.

I'm really gonna go crazy beyond salvation.

I keep coming here...

I'm not going crazy but I might die of this energy... I will die of non-action if I don't express this.

I don't want to leave this energy. It feels so good... It's like being a kid again...

It's been so long. So long since I've recharged myself this completely.

All I wanted was to play. I'll admit now, now that I've awakened this much. No, I realize now. I awakened when I made the break from this forum. I came back to recharge myself from that awakening. I was angry at you all for reasons I don't know. I could not point out why or how. I sent the sword inside me and it almost killed me.

Now I know. Now I know why. Now I can point out where and when. Now I know. Now I know that none of this matters in the slightest.

All I wanted was the magick. All I wanted was to flicker switches with my hand so I don't have to move my lazy ass to wake up and turn it off. All I wanted was to play with colors and make images in the air. All I wanted was to fly high above the sky and not have to come down to the ground. All I wanted was to roam the Earth in a gentle wind so that I can see things and play with exotic people. I remember. That's all I wanted. That's all I wanted.

I remember now. I remember because all these years I was such a chicken to admit this. How could I forget this?

All wanted was the freedom. That's all I wanted. Cause I was a lazy fuck.

Instead you had to teach me the Truth.

Fuck this shit. I ALREADY KNEW THE TRUTH. Why did you have to teach me this?? Why do you think I didn't want to awaken?!

All I wanted was the freedom. All I wanted was the energy. I wanted to fly high and instead you taught me how to fall innumerous times and stand up again.

Instead you had to teach me duality and oneness and higher souls and reincarnation and memories and the night flames and night teachers. Instead you taught me aliens and purification and made me duty-bound. I could have been a slave to the Yang all happy and ignorant. I could have been comfortable with my sister watching the Secret and love and happiness and peace and all that New Age jazz to keep my mind in oblivion. Instead you had to teach me suffering and karma and healing from pain and courage and protection and reflection. Instead I learned self reflection and self scrutiny and ego control and knowledge and wisdom and will oh that agonizing will. Instead you taught me how to enjoy music that I didn't use to. Or go to mountains or enjoy nature. Instead I learned reason and science and history and the discovery of all the religions and the knowledge to find good and evil in them. Instead you gave me foresight and hindsight and intuition and basic psychometry. Instead I explored the depths of insanity and gore and the inner chaos and the meaning of life. Instead you taught me how to take a grain of salt, just a small amount of Akasha.. and know so much of it. See so much from it.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my abilities. Is this the cost? How much more do I have to know? I feel that I've learned everything Phil. You know how much questions I had. You know how much I "wanted" to learn. Well I don't want to anymore. You know how much I fell for the suffering. That the maturity is the key.. oh my god...

---
This is not you........ this is him.. I totally misunderstood maturity....

I'm aware. I'm too aware. Thanks to someone. I didn't need to know the coldness of this world. I didn't. At least I didn't need someone to amplify it for me.

You seemed so cool back then because I thought you knew it all. Now I realize why I was attracted to you. Because I found comfort. I found comfort in the things I already knew that you spoke of. Love and peace. Simple stuff.

Not so simple at all after all. I took in your voice too... it gave me hell.

Interrupt my path to learning? You misunderstand my path. I already knew this. I already knew this is the learning.

...no I understand now.
So you're saying this was necessary?

Well you did a fine fucking job.

I still don't have the powers. I don't have them because my powers won't come down from my head. But unlike you I still do want the powers. Wanting is still important. Especially now that I know the meaning of wanting.

I wouldn't have given up so easily.. I would have demanded explanation. In any case I would've practiced on. I gave up action because of you. Does it sound familiar? I can't act. No seriously I can't even act. I'm a lazy fuck and I can't merge. Being quiet in the background is not the same as merger. I followed your steps without knowing that and it gave me great loneliness and weakness. How do I clean up this mess??

But you taught me counteraction. I don't know how, I found peace in your writings because it removed me from doubt. But you taught me counteraction. It was necessary, but now that I understand, I don't enjoy it one bit.

I don't hate you. You taught me too. But I'm not sure I love you. I did find peace in your writings though. I did find comfort. Now I feel a little more coldness and pain from you. I hope you found peace instead. I really do.

So you're dead inside because the world's dead? You really didn't want to come here do you......

...you were the reason I'm still here.
Actually, you are the reason I'm doing this here. Now that I saw a glimpse of the world you look at...

--

... I wanted only the Energy. I wanted Energy and nothing else.

You all had to send me here. You had to send me to a place DEVOID of Energy.

I'm just a battery ain't I.
Matrix was right. I'm just a battery.
Not just any battery.
A willing one.
One who made the sacrifice.

You shouldn't have trusted me.
You shouldn't have trusted me Phil.
I'm saying this here and now.
Because I want to.
Because I fucking want to. I'm almost done with my inner purge. No, this is the inner purge. I can do whatever I want now. I can say whatever I want.

I'm putting up a HUGE warning sign here.
Who cares. People don't Listen anyway.

You wrote this for humans?...
...you had humans in mind when you wrote this?...
They're too caught up in heaven and hell. They're too caught up in the material and nirvana.

We can't be so cruel to them.
Most of their souls wouldn't survive.

No one should experience the loss and separation that I've experienced.
Ever.

I lost love for my family.
I lost kinship with most of my queer people. Don't ask me why or how.
I lost kinship with my country people or America because I can identify with neither.
I lost my best friend. My only love.
I lost kinship with religion because none of the religion I've met with were Yin.
You know me. You know how much I wanted to see the Yin in the Yang.

I almost lost myself in the process.

And you know what? You know what? Every time I look around there were always people who are more unlucky than I am. Kids starving in Africa. Poor people on the streets. Students who have to stay until 11 PM everyday to study for their exams. People who had to go to the military fair and square. Workers who have to stay overnight at their jobs without getting paid. People being mutilated. People dying.

Not only that but people of the past. The scary stories of the holocaust. The witch hunt of the middle ages. The Japanese annexation. The civil war. The Hiroshima bomb. The many wars that have taken place. You even. You led much more intense lives than I did. I thought I was doing something wrong because my outer life was never that painful. It was so boring I had to make it painful sometimes. It was only painful when I made obvious mistakes.

Except perhaps when I starved myself to death out in the streets. I only had food in my mind then. But every time I looked around there are people unhappier than me. You said Night Magicians will experience more pain than the others. You shouldn't have taught me that. Did you say that on purpose? Did you say that so I can gain more awareness of people? I thought I was doing something wrong. Because the source of my unhappiness was from the inside. But I had to ignore that and find unhappiness on the outside. Because I thought I was doing something wrong.

But I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have done this because I led all that pain inside me. I let in the voices of pain and internalized it within me.

My throat. My throat gave me the most pain and made me make stupid mistakes. I know now why. In me is the voice of the world. And it is in agony. It will not let go of me until I purify those voices, to separate venom from elixir, and let the Earth drink that elixir.

Do you think I wanted this voice?

Yeah.
Ultimately I did.

It was all necessary.
Every mistake I made was necessary.

--

I'm not really angry at you.
I'm just angry period and I am saying that I am angry. I want the freedom back to not only experience emotions but to express them. I want the freedom to say that I'm enraged. Rather than have my rage go wild in my writings and blind me from the reasons I'm feeling the rage.

I learned that it was impossible for my emotions to take control of me as long as I knew the source of that emotion. As long as I know why. As long as I realize the love and will behind it.

I just need to do this to act again. I'll be consumed in non-action.

I'm just writing this to say thank you.
It's my way of saying thank you.
Thank you for saving my Soul.

It's as what Jubal said. You know how much vengeance there is in gratitude.

--

I'll shut up for now.

It was his way to clear his mind, to understand better, i think.