my future ends there..
my bliss gate is closed again.

of course it is...
that was just the future bliss...

not my own... in the present...

i don't know.
i don't know what to say anymore.

i don't know if i'm him channeling her or her channeling him...

if i'm her...
i'm so doomed....
...there is no happiness for me....
only the happiness for the great evil that is inside me... who can enjoy everything...

i thought i was done with my karma.
i came here to clean up the mess.
..not to make more.

please... please let me stay in the third force...... i already forgot how to re-enter the bliss...

----

i came here. i came here only to find friends. completely oblivious... completely oblivious... then you... the destruction i left behind... had to capture me and prepare the future...

i was only trying to prepare the future... not create one ..

i was only simulating this
so that this shouldn't happen...

....it's not your fault.
and it's not mine either.
this is no one's "fault".
it's only a game.
it's just illusion.
it's as real as much as you want to be...

...phil told me not to say this...
but i am weak and stupid and
i can say nothing but truth to you.
the bare essence...

...just like you didn't recognize me and had to tell me the truth phil...

there are more than Yang on this planet..there are also night races... and we're all here to help humankind make the transition... some of us are here to channel the night and soften the blow but... i sacrificed to live the life between man and the night.

..this is also my sister's words. she is not of night but she is pointing at the right direction.. i am born of jupiter and leo that is consumed in saturn and the moon.

and i am july that is born of autumn and winter. i am death and resurrection...

i came here to bound myself in chains. only so that i can break out of it. i was meant for greatness, but if things don't go my way i am evil enough to destroy, even myself. i could give it all up and be a hermit or i could be destined for greatest of riches. i want the best of all. and she said i was selfish and interested only in myself. and that that was a goodness.

all combined... all the magickal forces combined...

but she didn't know that i was too interested in the world... and that the world is my game... i came here to experience the fall and resurrection of man. in myself. and... outside... and i am here to protect their souls from the yang..... and teach them self defense, mostly in vain in my life... the future of the planet suggests that i succeeded... but i may not live longer to see that...

i do not want to destroy... but destruction is in me and it will kill me if i don't.... let it go...

the planet wants the destruction of this world so much... so so much... it is in so much agony.... so much... and it is reflected in the arts today. today in our greatest technology... sugarcoated...

the fall already happened. to me.
you can't change fall leading to winter. which was my long break... before i came here... and that was my most painful suffering...

and it's the end of my winter...
i am at the middle of my winter and my spring... but i am cursed to not let my inner world reflect the outer... because the world will soon become fall... that is my greatest pain and suffering.... and that is my karma for this life...

...i thought i was done......

and i will live as spring and die as summer... and i will prepare great knowledge and devotion and beauty of magick for my descendants... those of the night...

freedom is my game.

you tried... you tried so hard to not bind me in chains in the first place... but it was you who bound me... i had to let you, it's my nature... and it's what i learned from this world... you can't change it...

...my horoscopes reflect this..
both the east and the west..
..my actions reflect this..
...all my favorite visions of inner and outer power reflect this...

i enjoy destruction too much..
i enjoy regeneration a lot more...
why am i so old...

..i don't just channel night energy phil... i also channel the day and destroy it in me... and it has to be reflected in the outer world... because that's my bliss...

i am the gateway between all the forces...

i couldn't... i couldn't stay with the voices... this was the voices of the planet phil... this was our planet's will...

...the dream... that may not be my past after all... that may have been my future... i have wrong done you all so much this life...

----

It didn't happen yet.
It didn't happen yet.

All of you can correct this wrong.
...it is not in me to preach...
When I hate, I bite. I do not bark. I bark when I love. This is my first and possibly my last bark this life... at least before spring...

I'm like him. I never say die. I'm like all of you a little bit. My life was all of yours combined in a nutshell. I am yourselves reflected. I was so interested in you. I was so interested in you all. The forum too. But the forum failed... failed so hard... failed so miserably... to interest me... i could not stay with the lie in most of your hearts that i knew in my subconscious... i should have stayed nonetheless...

The dreamers in me still want to win this game.

I may be a force of destruction. It is so unclear... so unclear to me... but here? Right here right now? At this forum? I'm here to soften the blow. I'm here to channel some of my knowledge and my devotion and my creations so that I may show you how it is done... how the resurrection and self defense is done... and this is just a ritual to demonstrate the actions that should take place should the fall actually happen...

none of you....
...none of you in the forum
was interested in all this......

I don't know... I might try myself but... I'm so tired... so so tired of my inner purge....

I need space... so much space... space in my real life... but I know what that space will give me now...

It will give me awakening... and I will enjoy my life... I do not regret pasts... I am only sorry for the futures...

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry that this should be the way it is...

But I survived. And I am sane. And now I am completely self aware as magick...

So will be Earth...

......

...i don't think i can continue to be any of these phil... i don't think i can be any of these three if i don't let it out... through re-reaching bliss...

my name and my teacher don't share the same forces... and i don't know which is my teacher and which is me anymore...

and even through all this... even through all this trance... even through the doubtless magick i experienced the last few days...

..and all that joy and freedom and love and peace for all of you......

i am still tired and in doubt
and mostly in confusion....
and most of all in immobility...

i ditched 9 classes total....
...nothing matters anymore

korea... what do i do with you...
why did you have to be the unhappiest country in the world... when you are clearly not with all the rich you have?... why did you have to develop that fast.... why are you so cold ... how can you smile being so cold...

i learned how tiring awakening is phil...i wanted only the energy... but energy will always lead to awakening... our life chakras will not let us rest until it opens completely...

i will make sure they love you phil..... and i will make sure they hate me..... i will make sure i find bliss being alone...

i'll survive. i'll be sane. and i'll be magick. just like the planet. and i'll die arrayed in night glory...

i came too far to have doubts phil... i came too far to go back... why did you have to teach me vitality and will and confidence... they are in me all consumed in my body... immobile... no one reflects my inner beliefs phil... no one....

i want my energy back...
i should never have come back here
and learn how to regenerate it...

you moved too fast people....
we're the break...
we're not the collision...
...please understand...

i don't even want the bliss
now that i know what it means..

but... this is just the yang...

you see? you see? the material good is the yang... we're the material evil...

but we're here to save your souls..

i don't want to become slave to this lack of energy... no one should... no one ever should be a victim of this lack of energy...

I'm Yang right now... don't listen to me... my Yin is so evil... masochist... and sadist at the same time....

I'm sorry says Yang.
Not the Yin...
the Yin are never sorry...
..and the Yin never forgives...

No.

Let's not pretend. Come one.

I'm gonna break this misery first.

I don't care. I had bliss in my heart when I didn't care and that is right. That's just right and everyone should be that. Everyone should know that this is just a game. Just an illusion.

Okay? I'm done with my tire.
I'm done.

I play this part because I love the peace that ensues from this pain.

Okay? You all do.
You all do.
I'm done being nice.

...
I'm gonna go to jail...

...I didn't teach myself how to survive in the woods....

I don't want to give you all the wrong advice. Just in case.

I enjoy the tire because there's sleep. I enjoy the imperfection of action because we are perfect in being. And the only person who can say that we did our best in our actions is ourselves.

Without suffering there is no healing.
Without trials there is no success.
Without challenge there is no will.

Without bondage there is no freedom.

Without the pain/hate?
There's no love behind.

And we will never find peace
because peace will become immobility.
And immobility is the opposite of what Night Energy is.

You taught me this.
You taught me this...
No one can take this from me.

And there is Moksha. And while there is no end to suffering there is an end to our reincarnation. There we can continue to suffer through the pains of others. With joy in our hearts. Remember what I said, sacrifice is eternal. We just learn to suffer for others in the physical from the higher realms.

Eternity itself is just one big sex. Moksha is our orgasm. We enjoy our orgasm until the end of eternity. And when we ever choose to reincarnate again we'll enjoy it a lot more because we remember life too much and we'll be born awakened.

Be happy guys. I don't wanna give you too much gloom. You're very near Moksha.

You know what? That's what I'm learning to do. Actually, from that perspective, this should't give me too much unhappiness anymore. I'm just part of the force that's teaching the world to grow. But I would be very near... very near Moksha... this would be my last ultimate trial. Until Moksha.

I enter bliss through imagining you three.. the forces that you represent and the power you generate.

The dream was very real. It's the portal to my bliss.

But the Yang in you are stopping me from entering the portal.... you still hate me for what I represent. You see your Yang reflected in me...... I love you but I'm still dependent on your love.

But in my bliss... I know that you are not hell fire and not coldness and not invisible. You are all there smiling.

Smiling at me..
Smiles that are born of Eternal Darkness...

--

Just as the Yang in me "closed" this gate. LOL. That's just a lie guys, practice Night Magick all you want. I'm just not gonna answer all your questions anymore. You get that from your darkness.

I shouldn't falter in my kindness..

I want to talk so much... there's so much I had in me until now......

There's so much hate to spout. The love to see in between that absolves the hate. And most of all Truth. The truth behind all this. The Truth behind this work. I need to express it out here so I can let it go to my heart. ..

I have till Samhain...
And I'm really...
really gonna
enter rest break
and re-enter the bliss..

I'm really going to.. do this.
This cycle. Make it faster.

I need so much Energy right now...
It's hard controlling my Life chakra..